To "C" or not to "C"

Another Deep Perspective from a super pregnant woman... and worth the read again!

~One of the first and lingering possibilities of this pregnancy that I can't seem to get away from is the horrible, the awful, the unimaginable lingering possibility of (huh.....do I dare say it???) it's the "C" word, that horrible word that many pregnant women dread...a C-Section.

(Insert Scream Here). j/k ;)

~Yes, there is the 50% chance (if not, much higher % chance) that I could have a C-Section. Do I want a C-Section....I'd prefer to pass, but if Baby A (closest baby to the birth canal) isn't head down.... or if something goes wrong and one or both babies or even my own health is in danger, I may have no choice but to have a C-Section. This is something that immediately terrified me once I found out we were expecting twins...."please, no....not a C-Section!!!!" But it didn't take long for me to realize that like most things in my life I HAVE NO CONTROL over this pending situation, I just have to sit, wait and pray that I get these two girls here safe and sound...and if a C-Section is required to do so.... so be it....personally I am so grateful that there is even another option... just in case.

~I love all the well meaning friends, family and strangers that throw their input in on this "C" word matter. They all feel inclined to share their opinions. Unfortunately, most are extremely negative. I am so tired of the horror stories about C-Sections. As if scaring me enough will prevent me from having to have a C-Section.

~Then they have to stress to me on every level how and why I can't have a C-section. "Tell your Doctor, that you just WILL NOT have a C-section." "Find a Doctor, that whatever happens, will not let it result in a C-section." And the list continues. When I try to give them a little more perspective on what all the possibilities of a C-Section with twins are... like for instance that it is humanly impossible to deliver a baby back first, and that you may be able to flip a breech baby around before delivery (I was breech and was flipped) but you can't flip a baby when there are two... they look at me like I am about to jump off a cliff... and repeat to me again all the reasons I can't have a C-Section (as if I didn't hear them the first time). I usually let the conversation die at that point...just because it's not worth the fight. But I have wondered if these people will look at me as some sort of failure in the case that I do have a C-Section. Will they look down on me? Will they feel like I have given into the dark side? Will I be kicked out the Vaginal Delivery Club??? (Sorry...I had to throw that last one in there). ;)

As I have reflected on this pending situation... it comes right down to one thing...another "C" word...."Control".

~I am a self-diagnosed control freak...I love to plan EVERYTHING! I love to control EVERYTHING!!! And like everything else in my life...I would love to control whether or not I have a C-Section....but it is not for me to control. Heavenly Father has taught me this lesson very clearly over the past few years...I am not in control! If I was, my husband would not be going blind, he would not be out of a job, I would have all our student loans paid off, Oprah would buy my business and give me 10% royalties for the rest of my life, I would be living in my dream house. I would have had a personal trainer well before this pregnancy. I will have a flawless pregnancy, perfect delivery and two beautiful, healthy girls that sleep on command and spend the rest of their time laughing and being perfectly pleasant.

Reality Check....HOW BORING WOULD THAT BE???

~It would be so boring... life would be so pointless...to have nothing to do but live the life you expected. Imagine reading a book or watching a movie, where you knew everything that would happen next. Imagine there is no conflict, struggle or problems in this book/movie... my bet is that after the first 10 pages/minutes you would stop reading/watching it because there would be no plot. Hence the reason my second "C" word "Control", it is so over rated.

~Now to finish....I will introduce my third "C" word...(okay so it doesn't start with a "C" but stick with me here) It is "Seeing". Some people say "Seeing is believing." That may be true in many instances but I have found the opposite to be more true..."Believing is Seeing". What??? Another beautiful lesson that Heavenly Father has taught me is to Believe and then I will See things from His perspective. And this is hard....very hard. I was prompted to start my little shop, so I did, I just believed that it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do....why? I didn't know at the time, but I am starting to see it now (a year a half later). I started my shop with $38, and I had no idea at the time that I had created an income and career for my husband and myself now. Even though it would have been nice to see that my investment (which was quite the sacrifice at the time) would result in an answer to our prayers, I'm grateful for all the stress, sweat, tears and prayers that it took in order for me to "See". I learned from this experience how important it is to Believe first and then you will See! I learned that Heavenly Father sees everything....and will only help us to see if we just trust him enough to give up our useless urge to "Control" and just Believe.

~My whole shop could die tomorrow, and we could go bankrupt. But I'm so glad I can't see that...because I Believe that Heavenly Father gave us these situations to teach us how to Believe and eventually how to See! And for the first time in my life I can really See what seeing is all about!

~So to see or not to see, to control or not to control, to have a C-Section or not to have a C-Section...they are all in one odd way the same. And I choose to Believe that whatever Heavenly Father gives me is the best for me. So despite any drama, or suspense I am Believing that the kind of a book or movie my life will end up being, is worth well worth Seeing!